Little Dowager

Nothing screams “ATTENTION WHORE” more than a person slitting his/her wrist, taking pictures and then showing them off on their blog.

If one is seriously bend on ending one’s life, they wouldn’t even bother bout taking pictures of the process. One may not have asked to be “tomorrowed”, but one can sure garner some attention by posting such pictures online.

Seriously, I thought Goth was dead (pun not intended). Goth don’t type with “!~”, and Goth won’t use template with shimmery cowheads, Goth will blog bout nothing ‘cept feeling emo half the time and self-composed bad poetries. Snap outta it, girl.

I don’t see the point of publishing such post on Tomorrow.sg. The person who recommended it said, “Blogging in Singapore has reach a new level”. So before this, there was nudity/p0rn on blogs. And blogging bout self-multilation is the current new level, huh?!

What’s next? Attention whorers helping one another to video-cam their fall to their deaths and upload the clip onto the internet?!

Je suis etudiente de Institu de retardation. Je parle Français un peu.

I enjoy French classes very much. I’ve been trying/dying to get this module for the past one year; it’s a faux pas for a fashion student to mispronounce Lancome, Louis Vuitton and Haute couture, ya know?

For the last couple of weeks, we learnt how to pronounce the French alphabets and numbers, greetings, form basic sentence structures and French grammar.

In French alphabets, A is not aey, not erh (like, a thing) but is pronounced as ahh. R is not arr, not ar-rer but is pronounced as airrrrrrr (note the rrrrr). Z is not zee, not zee-zed (I know people who pronounce it that way), but is pronounced as zed. G is pronounced as J, and J is pronounced as G. Only some letters like F, L, S sounds the same.

It is not uncommon to see me frantically scribbling down the pronunciation (in Singlish-style) to every new word I come across, for I have a memory like a ping-pong ball. Some are quite humorous; some are indecipherable to others but me. When I look across the classroom or in the lecture hall, I think my book is the most scribbled among all.

Thank god. This semester, they finally included a recorded audio CD with the lecturers’ vocalizations. Every night, I’d listen to my hansem French lecturer’s voice as I slowly conk off into ZeeZeeland. Such bliss. Hahaha.

Today, I shall present to you, The French Alphabet in Little Dowager’s style.

Disclaimer: I shall not be responsible for anyone’s embarrassment cause by one’s mispronunciation hor.

A – Ahh (as in Brouhaha) B – Beh (as in KNN Beh!) C – Say (no emphasis on Y) D – Day (no emphasis on Y) E – Urh F – Eff G – Ghay (a cross between Gay and Jay) H – Arsh (like a short tongued person saying “Arsehole!”) I – Ee J – Ghee (like Ghee, the butter they use for Prata) K – Kah (Not Car as in Toyota/Honda, but like Ther Kah (pig trotter in Hokkien) L - Elle M – Mne (no emphasis on E) N – Nne (no emphasis on E) O – Ooh (Emphasis on O; say a very masculine Ooh) P – Peh (A cross between Lim Peh and Pay) Q – Quu (not Qoo) R – Airrrrrrr (like a breathless duck gasping for Air!) S - Ass T – Teh (like Teh Tarik) U – Yuu (like how Caucasians pronounce Fish in Mandarin) V – Vay W – Doo-bler-vay (like… double V not double U. The Français say the Anglais got it wrong) X – Eix Y – E-grec Z – Zed

Vous comprenez?

C’est bien.

Numbers another time. wink

I have been containing this extreme urge in me. Sometimes when I’m heavenly pissed, I just wanna scream expletives at random people or be extremely sarcastic to peeps I know.

It is already the 2nd week of the semester. We have not finalized the uniform designs by the stipulated deadline due to delays on the client’s and designers’ part. In some way, I felt that it probably wasn’t that great blessing to have my designs chosen from 4 others’ work. My face contorted in various expressions when I heard the feedbacks from the client.

TMD. So many requests, so many changes to do. Final presentation to the client on Wednesday. Where got time?!

We had meeting almost everyday, to discuss the designs, color schemes, theme, and the production of the prototype. Some fuckers wasted time to explain that he’s not stoning (I actually wanted to suggest this, but you all kept disagreeing so I kept quiet lorh~). Some fuckers “need” go home early (machiam they need to guard pots of golds). Some fuckers wanna go “sun tanning”. Some fuckers will whine about the weather (got sun or not?!).

Tan simi sai?! November where got sun?! The sun is only good enough for drying birdshit.

It really sucks returning home with a huffing temper after facing some of the whiniest and ficklest-minded people I have ever known. Birdshit bonus - they are unpunctual too. I am definitely not the most punctual person on earth, but at least I make an effort to rush there.

They? Gelek-gelek from the canteen to bookshop, then finally arrive at the meeting 30mins late with not a single apology.

That’s not the worst bit. Just because they think my designs got selected, some of the gladly pushed ALL the responsibilities to me. They are all waiting for me to churn out new designs. Their motors won’t work if I don’t.

She is waiting for me to give her the colour so she can do the colour board. But she won’t begin unless I show her my final illustrations for her to understand the “feel”.

He won’t begin on the technical drawings unless I finished my illustrations and patiently baby feed him with explanations on the constructions of each piece.

She can’t fill in the colours or do the layout unless I finish all the illustrations and get the final technical drawings from the other dude.

They are all waiting for me. They all gave me suggestions for the designs ‘cause they bluntly pointed out that my last couple of designs were not nice nor unique enough(HELLO, I have a drying point too!). I followed their suggestions ‘cause after all, it is now a team work. But when it comes to consultation, I, the “spokeswoman”, am the one who kena all the bullets.

Where are the other two girls? They are not free this afternoon. Where are your swatches?! Uh… “We” haven’t been sourcing for them as “we” were not free. (I wasn’t free at all, but they are…) How are the designs?! They’re coming… Some are already out… I don’t think they’ll like these designs! Erm, actually we feel that it’s quite unique… No no no. It’s too impractical. Too dressy. Too formal for their liking. Uh… ok.. What’s this set for?! Captain. Nooooo. I think you put this set with the other set. Redo the other set. What have you (all) been doing all weekend?! …. Have you (all) been playing and lazing around?! Please man, this project is important. You are designing for a world class 5-stars hotel. Don’t ruin the school’s image and reputation with you(r) attitude(s), please!

And she rattled on and on bout what needs to be done. A new set… The mood/colour/theme boards… Redo… The prototype… Print the fabric at Sunshine Plaza… Source for suitable materials…Redo… Dress appropriately for the meeting this coming Wednesday… Manage you time… Deadline… Meeting… Members… Deadlines…

All of the sudden, I felt so wronged. Like, I am made the leader, the scapegoat, the bitch who is always asked for meetings, the lousy one who can’t finish everything over the weekend. I am made to bear of the criticisms, to fend of accusations, the one who got blamed for being late, slow, incompetence and having poor attitude.

I broke down into a silent cry under the torrent of responsibilities and criticisms shoved into my face.

I only have two hands, and a head. I have my own timetable and I can’t keep skipping lectures all the time. I can only cooperate with myself fully. I can only do this much. I can’t bring myself to reprimand the fuckers my team members because they are my classmates/friends too.

There are just too much things to do. Just too many.

Were you really serious when you all said you’ll help me out? Was it necessary for me to shed tears just to get your attention?!

Chris and I are now on par in terms of “Occupation:“.

He left his last job earlier in July to pursue a 9-months intensive course in animation and effects. I am a design student; he is a design student too. I do assignments and projects; he does assignments and projects too. He has no time; I have not much time too. The only difference would be age - He’s old but not that old; I’m young but not that young.

Last night, I popped over to his place to do some of my work while providing company for him while he did his. (No, we didn’t do anything more than that). And I realised…

His place is soooo far. (Anywhere that takes longer than 30mins to get to on a cab is considered far) The fare was so expensive. (18 dolla can buy one pair of sandals.)

Now I understand the kind of trouble he went through then. But it was worthwhile cause I finally met him again.

He looks the same as before, but with longer hair than mine now. He seems thinner than before too. Are his eye bags bigger? His flat has an extremely spacious hall, with oddly positioned bedrooms at one end. He warned me that his room is extremely messy, but I thought nothing of it. Probably just as messy as mine… I was wrong.

His room is three quarter the size of my room, but his room is stuffed with big items like a TV with dvd player and the cable tv box, a hifi set, two PCs, a laptop, a single bed with two mattresses, a wardrobe, an A3 size light box and two PC tables.

And now to the small items. There are a dozen or more graphic/design/animation books lying around. Some were old and dusty; some were borrowed from the National Library. There are 3 dented and yellowing cans of “Zero Gravity” (remember the drink with colourful balls suspended in the liquid/jelly?), a figurine of a T-rex, 3 grey traditional chinese costumes and many jeans, a lot of diskettes, dvd, cds lying around, yellowing warrenty from Toyota hanging from a lanyard and many assorted cigerette boxes.

Some of his stuffs were dusty. But his floor was definitely clean (at least my soles were not brown or grey when I got home). This is what I call, messily organized. Like my room. Haha…

I had initially wanted to accompany him till dawn break. I’m there so he can’t sleep, therefore he can get some work done. But by 2:30a.m, I am already getting restless. Thank god, my back was facing him, so he didn’t noticed my restless, occasionally stoning expression. By 4a.m, I decided it was enough and started packing. Throughout the ride to my place, we didn’t say much. We’re tired.

How should I describe last night? It was so out of the ordinary. I haven’t seen him for close to a year, and when I finally did, I’m at his place! Something I had never expected.

It was a real eye opener, really. I only wished we both had made more effort to talk. The silence wasn’t the most awkward moment. The moment when we spoke briefly was the weirdest. We just didn’t know what to say or what to expect.

And suddenly I am reminded of that dream.

Haven’t been blogging for some times, I kinda forgot how to begin an entry.

In case you are wondering bout my timetable, I managed to drop Brand Building with Mr. Diff (ahem, Difficult). Wah lao, lagi heng sial! I looked for my course manager for THREE freaking times, and she refused me flatly for two times, insisting that this module is important to me as a designer. I guess she got sick of my face when I saw her the third time that she finally relented to my request. I seemed like a problem student to her. Haha…

So yesssssss. I finally attained a 6 modules/3-days study week! I have a full day on Monday, Tuesday and Thursday, while I am “free to do whatever I want” (read: head to school just to complete my work) on Wednesday and Friday.

I am quite satisfied with my timetable and the lecturers who’ll be teaching me. My course manager will be my lecturer for two other modules. Facing her is stressful at times, but it sure beats having a nuah-nuah lecturer who don’t give a damn about your work.

I now have a new lecturer teaching me two modules. He’s a little effiminate but he is an awesome guy. Oh. And I also have two part-time lecturers, and one of which is a very experienced man in his late fifties. I have heard so much about him, and I finally got to meet him last Monday.

Last but not least, I have this super charming french guy as my lecturer for French.

Ahhhhh. Suddenly, I feel so blessed.

I am so happy now (not because of my timetable), all the anger contained in me for the last couple days just evaporated. Tell you more later.

You thought I hated you and was avoiding you, since I didn’t bother to establish any contact with you. Afterall, you did let me down.

But I thought you were the one who hated me and was avoiding me instead. So in fear of being ignored and disliked by you, I didn’t dared to contact you.

Truth to be told, I thought of you more than just, every now and then.

But of course, I didn’t tell you that. To protect myself.

It feels weird chatting with you again. I had initially thought I’ll be haughty and mean to you. But I just couldn’t bring myself to be like that towards you.

You asked if I am still scared by the notion of keeping in touch with you. I said I don’t know. I guess, I’ll just stick to being nice and casual.

We may still be friends.

Only lost 1 freaking kg this week.

Maybe cause I didn’t stuff myself with papaya.

Or maybe, I didn’t exercise at all.

Or maybe, I didn’t sleep enough and I kept skipping meals when I get too busy.

One kg is pathetic.

Why oh why did you add me on MSN again?! I know I know, it’s been a year! One year passed in a blink, but it felt so long to me.

You haven’t answer me. WHYYYY?!

It’s a mistake right?! I think you mysteriously lost all you contacts and you just add every single email addresses you used to have. That’s why I am added right?!

Or are you going to chid me off, or tell me something catastrophic that had happened to you?

What if, I try to initiate a conversation with you, what will you say? “Oh, sorry. Add wrong person.” and then “prompted logged off” msn?!

Basket. Why you always give me this kind of mind-rape one?!

Ahhhh. Bad headache. Bad headache.

I just got my timetable today. Unlike Becca’s, mine is pretty filled up with no lesson on Wednesday. However, I need have make some changes as I don’t wish to take certain subjects.

Subjects likes Knitwear are no brainer. Gimme something else lah, like Project or something.

I MUST drop brand building; I detest the lecturer who may be teaching me.

I need to get “special” subjects as I badly need them in order to graduate in time. Give me Psychology, French, yadayada. JUST GIVE ME!!!!

Arrghhhhh. This coming semester smells so dead. Like not fun one.

I’m going to sleep now.

Yesterday, I realised I am a very timid and dependent person. I had always been in denial. I don’t dare to roam alone in places I’m not familiar with, I don’t know how prefer not to know how to pay bills, post items or buy movie tickets. And I hate to travel alone or be alone.

And I just realised that school resumes next week when I kept thinking that there are two more weeks to go.

But I haven’t slept enough yet leh.

And I haven’t prepare anything.

I don’t know where are my curve ruler, grading ruler and my sewing kit.

And I haven’t receive both of my pay check yet.

And my room is still in a mess.

And I haven’t got my timetable.

I haven’t finish Harry Potter book 3 and 4.

I haven’t store up enough inspirations in my head.

I haven’t lose enough weight yet.

I haven’t set any goals yet for next semester.

I don’t know where to go for my attachment.

And most importantly, I haven’t slept enough!