Little Dowager

I’ve been wanting to create a new category for a long long time, but I haven’t cared much bout my blog recently.

Anyway, due to recent bout of wealth and “occasional financial-reliance”, I’ve been shopping more than before.

I used to detest going popular/common youth shopping haunts like Far east shopping centre and Cineleisure (just to name a few), cos I feel that these places specialises in milking the money of young spenders - there are crap shops there selling craps that have no use, but young shopper thinks that these craps such as hello kitty and stupid bears are cute, and therefore they buy.

But I’ve come to realised that, sandwiched between a couple of crap shops are MANY good shops I used to overlook. And since I noticed so many great shops around, some places have since been converted to my favourite shopping ground. And since I shop more now as compared to before, my fashion/shopper sense is much more acute than before (but of course my style is uniquely mine).

Since I also subscribe to many fashion blogs on my bloglines, I get updated on the latest fashion trends pretty quick.

I hope this fashion/shopper category serves as a notice and reminder for myself (or anyone who cares to read) on what to look out for and what to stay far far away from.

I know being trendy does not equates to being stylish - but I won’t wanna spend on last season’s item when I can check out this season’s looks. Would I?

Me so bored.

Me do meme.

Me no like 4, me like 5. (me pantang can?)

Me change everything to 5. neh neh ni neh neh!

(more…)

Don’t you just looooooove chinese new year?

I looking forward to sleeping, reunion dinner, more me-time, sleeping, eating the lovely mandarin oranges in the fridge, and I expect only to get one angpow this year. Too bad chinese new year is not a good time to go shopping - Shopping malls and streets of Singapore are literally ghost towns on Day 1 & 2 of Chinese New year.

I felt that CNY at home this year is a lot more simpler as compared to previous years. No fancy schmancy pussy willows, no gaudy plastic gold ingots lying around, and no, I haven’t munched a single piece of bah kwa.

Which in a way, I feel it’s good. Just enjoy some family time together, and don’t over-indulge just because it’s the festive season. Haven’t one realised, the feel-good factor of festive season is not created by plastic gold ingots (nor can of foam sprays) but real solid get-together times with our loved ones?

Having said that, I hope everyone can enjoy themselves this weekend, whether they look forward to CNY or not. (come on lah, how often do one get to nuah at home for 4 consecutive days?)

Last but not least, please do not be tempted into buying pets just because of the CNY craze. It’s sad to see dozens (or maybe hundreds) of rabbits, hamsters, abandoned each respective years.

Happy Chinese New Year! Gong xi Gong xi Ni!

What if I say, I think I’m deranged?

I hear little voices in my head. They tell me people are out to screw up my life no matter how hard I work. That made me angry, and I want to hurt people with my words and actions.

Come Monday, I’ll be in school and I’ll be facing Mr. Manicure Hand and my course manager. And I’ll be facing those incoorperative fucktards whom I used to call members.

I am worried that I’ll whack Mr. Manicure if he provoke me. I am worried I can’t control my actions.

I’ve already “tendered my resignation” regarding this project. Now it’s up to whether they wanna let me off.

The issue is not the project now. The issue is I am not well. Physically, I have been nursing a cold. Emotionally, I’ve been crying from fear, agony and sadness since mid week. Mentally… I don’t know if it’s me or not.

Come night, I don’t dare to close my eyes for I fear an image will appear in my mind or it(he) will whisper something in my ear. Yet I don’t dare to open my eyes too for I fear it(he) will crawl from the darkest corner in my vision. This thing… I don’t know what it is, but he follows me and present fear to me when I am at my weakest.

This fear. At some point it seems fabricated, but I know it’s real.

Tell this black black demon to go away.

This week had been hell for me. I am very sure hell will continue for the next two weeks as this is the submission period.

I know PMS is a lame excuse to some, but it really wrecked me emotionally since friday. On friday, I lost my cool during a meeting with the client. My lecturer, lets call him Mr. Manicure Hand, openly chided and disregarded how much I sacrificed for this fucking project. Next, he bad-mouthed my competency in front of the lady who I am currently doing freelance illustrations for. I was so incensed that I raised my voice and snapped back at him and in the heat, I slammed my phone onto the table. I was so incensed my tears just flow down my cheek and I didn’t have time to control it.

I know what I did was extremely rude to a lecturer. But it is not as though I can’t stomach criticism - I do listen to criticism to improve; But to always be wrongly criticised and blamed for the irresponsibility and incompetence of others? It’s like, you’re putting me down all the time. I can never be good enough.

This project is really killing me emotionally.

Why do I have to cry so often bout it? I don’t understand.

Maybe I cry cause I felt stupid to be the only one working so hard for it.

Yes, I think I cry because I felt really stupid and foolish. I don’t like to feel stupid and foolish.

I cry cos I fret and stress over whether I’ll be chided for nothing or not.

I worry if I hits your expectation. Am I good enough?

I worry will I ever be good enough. It seems I’ll never be.

I really feel like breaking down now. And I just might. In front of he. her. she. they. all. all of them.

Leave me out of it. Just let me out, leave my name out of the credit shits.

05 had been a bitch. She kicked me in the ass, made me fall and scratched my face against sands. She took from me, the very thing that other girls can be proud of. I walked on till the end, and now I say, “Fuck you.”

I don’t know whether to look forward to 2006 or take it as another passing year. What’s there to look forward to?

New resolutions? I say, fuck it. Year after year, I begin the year hoping I can be holier, lovelier, slimmer, “nicer”, more mature/sensible/sensitive/compassionate yada-yada. And year after year, I end my 365-days cycle as the same person 365 days before. I realised non of this “changing-to-be-a-better-man” thing made me happy. I just wanna be happy - happy with myself - even if it means avoiding things and people who’ll make me unhappy.

New friends? (What fre..?! Everyone do things for their personal benefits. That’s not to say I do not believe in friendshit; I just don’t believe in true friendship. True my ass!) New opportunities? New experiences? New…

Argh, fuck it. Just gimme my pay, I wanna go shopping.

I’m only looking forward to new things now. At least they make me happy for the moment.