I am not happy today.
Sometimes I wonder, would I be happier if I had taken a much slower and smoother path? Would I still be contented with my life and with what I can achieve? Will I regret?
Sometimes I feel I am all alone in the world. I maybe surrounded by people all the time, but…
Sometimes I wonder why friends lie to me. Why people lie to me. Why they all can’t be truthful to me. My friends… they all seemed so malicious.
Sometimes I wonder what lies behind your smiles and laughter. Sometimes I wonder are you the nice person you tried to make yourself out to be. Sometimes I wonder have I ever known the real Michelle when we were still friends.
Sometimes I wonder what will happen if I fuck-care everything I have now and just die. Would I still think the world revolves around the deadlines, grades and submissions?
Sometimes, I just wanna give up. Passion, like matchsticks… How long can they last while another burnout?
passion is a mixed commodity: it makes for a wonderfully intense world, but the fact that everything is felt so deeply is blessing/curse.
it also can be exhausting. the “michelle” example is a good one, since any transgressions will go deeper into your heart, wound and weaken you.
at that point the idea of burning out all the way might be appealing.
but there are powerful joys that stand in counterpoint to this shit. just ‘cause you can’t access them now doesn’t mean they aren’t there, or coming.
and having felt the low holes gives you more power to live on higher stars.
sorry to go on like this, but i suffer from the same issues, in pretty much the same ways.
Comment by fortycalibernap — 7 February, 2006 @
oh dear, sometimes, friends just all abandon at the same time. give them a chance, but if you know they’re just a holes, DUMP THEM!
Throw yourself into work in the meantime, seriously, if you do well in your work, you have accomplished something for yourself. Let the frivoulity of human friendship be stown aside for awhile.
Hope you would be much better soon!
Comment by becca — 8 February, 2006 @
Well, to keep it short: It’s better to burn out than to fade away.
Comment by jeremyz — 8 February, 2006 @