Little Dowager

Hello.

Are you free on friday? I would like to invite you to a party over at Padang after your work/school.

We are going to kick off Singapore Biennale 2006 with a blast. There are various performances/installations that night, our PM LSL will be there too.

But most importantly, there will be a fashion parade that evening by the TALENTS (hehehe) from my school and Lasalle. Inspired by “Japan’s greatest living artist”, Yayoi Kusama, this collection will be a fun and eccentric dotty affair. I hear that specially for this collection, the tree trunks along Orchard Road were wrapped up in polka dots. Haven’t seen it myself… Maybe we could check it out on Friday?

Beside that, DJ Damien Saint from MOS would be spinning that night!

I will be there to support the special peeps who have been keeping me sane for the last few weeks. They have worked hard, and now it’s the time for them to shine

Are you gonna be there?

Please support the local art, media & design scene. This is our identity.

See you on Friday

I wish I don’t need to waste time on sleeping or resting. I wish I don’t need to eat or wind down after day. I wish I won’t feel tired or stressed over anything. I wish there’s 72hours in a day. I wish I had more time to do and perfect my work.

I came by the new office yesterday. It was dusty, messy and disorganized, but it was a beautiful space. 3 levels. Showroom, storage and production room in the 1st level. Conference room, admin, design, sales and merchandising dept on the 2nd level. And on level 3, is the loft for boss to “hang out”. What a big different from the cramp space we had before.

Anyway I went back to the old unit - from one end of the shophouses to another - to pick up some stuffs. Walking down from 73 to 11A alone brought back fond memories. How we would go down together to get tidbits from 7-11, for lunch at H cafe (and return to the office stinking of grease), go down to 73 to check out the renovations, the silly but amusing convo we shared when we walk down together, the way we purposely slowed down to check out the interiors of other bridal/design/consultancy offices, the after dinner walk with R down the back street lined with beautiful chinese/peranakan apartments… Those priceless moments.

When I stepped into the old unit, it really saddens me to see it almost empty, cleared of all the clutters and mess that we had already gotten so used to. All the fashion-y books/files/paperwork were packed and tied with ribbons (lol.. excess haberdashery), the framed articles featuring Lady Boss were all taken down. All the others were packed into bags and cartons waiting to be shifted..

I seems to know this place so well, but I don’t think I know it anymore.

I wonder if things would be the same after this month.

I never expect that what I thought would make me happy, can actually make me feel so sad, disappointed, foolish and lost all at once.

I remember I told you I can be a very selfish person - Sometimes I won’t scratch your back, even if you scratch mine hard enough. Yet I told you I feel the most unselfish around you. I accepted what you were, tried to appreciate your beliefs, learnt to understand your difficulties and efforts. All of which I used to forget, or shrug off carelessly in the past.

I tried so hard, but it made me unhappy at the end of the day. I often asked myself, “Why are my mentalities and beliefs so different? And why do we pursue different ideals? Am I inferior because of what I like and believe in?” I feel like you are always comparing me with her, your ideal. Yes, I really feel inferior.

So yesterday, it finally dawned on me that I am better off being alone, a selfish person. Like how I treat some people carelessly and for granted. I don’t make it extra effort to please them, or accept them. I don’t worry if their actions will upset or angers me. People who I take for granted never worries or upsets me. How wonderful.

Sometimes it is indeed wise to steer clear.

Yes, synr.

Been working in the sewing room till 9-10-11pm every night.

Have not been eating proper meals at proper time.

Have not been sleeping at proper time in adequate hours.

Patterns haven’t draft, boards haven’t done.

Thank god, project deadline extended till Monday 11 am.

Thank god I woke up feeling well and not feverish this morning.

And it’s a bonus that I lost 2kg this week.

But bad news is that my skin condition is less than desirable.

Ok, back to work.

My favourite song of the moment. How many of you remember this?

Why do I always end up in open relationship?

You know, the kind where 2 people are together for company, whether it’s for physical or emotional support?

You know, the kind where 2 people needs to release their hands once somebody we know enters the room?

You know, the kind where 2 people can only communicate discreetly via sms and msn?

Am I not good enough character-wise to make him wanna commit to me?

Am I not attractive enough for him to go “she’s the best I’ll ever have”?

Am I not interesting enough for him to wanna know more about me?

Did I deliberately showed that I am a wild child, with an untameable heart, henceforth turning him off (or on, wadever..)?

Did I showed him my weak spot or said something I ought to have kept inside, henceforth giving him the idea/suggestion?

Why can’t I refuse him despite vowing to stay away from such meaningless ventures?

Why can’t I refuse him despite vowing to stay far far away from virgin kisser, virgin heart, virgin-whatever?!

Why do I still fall for him despite feeling shocked initially, and despite knowing that he can’t promise me anything?

Why don’t I meet someone who is commited, devoted, who fits all my nitty gritty criteria, plus a cartier ring?

Or did I just turn every guys in this room off, with my secret desire of being a submissive married woman with no ambitions and dreams, and not the independent woman who works hard for her money?

Or simply, I have not met him at the right time?

I really felt like I wasted my weekend today.

Waiting for someone at his one room apartment to get out, yet he was tidying his place, searching high and low for his things, showing off his creations while we were waiting for him…. Do you know I was disturbed with constant calls and smses from as early as 830 in the morning?! Do you know I waited from 2 till 630? And Ric waited from 1130 till 630?! I did nothing despite being promised that I’ll have work to do today, and I only managed to get off at 10pm. Alas, we got stuck at Esplanade-Marina in a huge human traffic jam cos of the firework festival.

I hate crowds I hate crowds I hate crowds.

I am so fucking annoyed. Imagine how a NS dude from Tekong camp who can only book out on weekend feels. He’s even more pissed than me.

Both of us just felt cheated, used and fooled around by this fellow. I don’t know how he got a set of the flat drawings I did for my boss, but I am not happy to see it lying around in his aparment for no apparent reasons.

=/

I was very frustrated with myself yesterday over work and school work. I am going for retail therapy later. And meet Ric later. Today is a nuah-nuah day.